here first. until we are there.

i see you

yesterday, anna and i found our way to ayala museum. she had seen a feature the night before and had been intrigued by what susan kalaw-medina had shown. so here we were giggling on our way into that huge tomb.

i had been there with my dad a couple of months ago, ooh-ing and aah-ing the photographs of gaudi’s structures and walking through the dioramas of grade school days.

this time i was with a friend who shared my desire to complain that we knew nothing abou the events in the diorama and their significance to us, nose lightly touching the glass (maybe if we were lucky we could see them move or better yet, talk) counting the women and what they were doing (with child, selling/buying, serving, fleeing…wowie go babae!) and making lait the choice of colors for their clothes.

“i can’t believe anyone would wear that color with that design. I don’t think we were ever that color blind.”
“did you get a look at that child’s face? horrific. an adult monkey with realy short legs —- like some people we actually know.”

we climbed the stairs to the galleries for luna, amorsolo and zobel and of course made the requisite snide comment that the zobel part of that gallery was a little mor e than should be expected. but i guess i enjoyed his works more — these cartoons? heehee. but that’s just me and i’m a philistine. though i found myself staring at a nude reclining on a bed, beautiful. beautiful. man, the curves, the softness — how do guys keep their hands to themselves knowing that underneath all this clothing is that body? i’ve seen nudes before, but somehow the manner that this woman was offering herself to the world or lounging knowing that every slight movement she made was earth shattering (funny how the contractions of the smaller muscles and nerves in our body could be “the earth moving”. okay, not funny — i get it, but just wow.) made me concentrate.

the fact that the guard so kindly reminded us that we could use the elevator to go one floor up as we were climbing the stairs made anna remark about just how tamad people can be. the costumes were things i’ve seen before, but it made me sad to realize that we have them only because someone unearthed them from a store room in a european country (netherlands? sweden? i’m not sure.). like whoops! this might matter to some other country because to us, they’re just food for termites. though i think any discussion of clothing was done after seeing a shirt in celio, a white long sleeved shirt with a bamboo watercolor — “so who would actually wear that?” “oh, you’d have the be tan, lean and just hot.” which made me shrug and think of the only guy who is my reference for good clothing. ” come on, the door opens and he stands there in the shirt and dark slim jeans. the first couple of buttons undone and with a wry smile on his face? you think you’d be able to control yourself?”

it’s nice to look at people looking intently at things.

that evening, claire on six feet under (man, she’s just so beautiful) was trying to find a new way of seeing which became a metaphor for david and keith to finally get back together.

i’ve been complaining that my life is very small lately and someone has asked me if no one iin my life ahs the ability to keep me up, to raise my spirits. i realized that i was just not looking. those silences where we’d be walking around the museum and then we’d continue our conversations like the lack of words was just naother way of saying “you know what happened to me yesterday or the day before…” or the way we’d collapse into giggles because i’d make a voice or she’d start being obnoxious. someone’s laughter could make me stop midway because i’d feel like i’ve won already or the safety of being in your room and knowing that it’s okay to just be even if it is an a mope or a sigh or a j.lo rip-off.

it’s in the details. i see you is in the details, the way my voice changes with the thought of you or i suddenly feel pretty without looking in the mirror or your hands slowly steady me because i’m defending myself from an intruder who has left a long time ago or the arrogance that you give off like a scent when you announce that you know how to fix me even if you don’t but you just want to.

i see you, and i’m grateful that love is in the minute infinity between us keeping us apart but joining us with the rest of the universe.


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